Updated: Dec 14, 2019
My life has been filled with change over this past year. I cannot think of a single component of my life that hasn’t changed except for my family, major, and some of the things I am involved with on campus. It is surreal and it’s hard to get a grasp on life when you don’t know what to grasp onto.
I’ve sort of been aware of the fact that I am not good with dealing with change. I don’t love it and I struggle when things aren’t the way they used to be. Towards the end of 2018, I realized that I was going through a lot of change and I told myself that I needed to embrace it. My way of embracing change was going to be doing some big life changes myself. All things that I can control.
First thing I did in 2019 was cut my hair from it being long to it being shoulder length. I LOVED this change. I’ve always had long hair and I wrote an Odyssey article about this hair cut because it was so transformative for me. Basically, I’ve always had long hair and then after being constantly frustrated with it, I decided to cut it to it being shoulder length. Leading up to the haircut, I was petrified that I was making the worst decision of my life. After the haircut, it was an amazing decision that I don’t regret in the slightest. In fact, in August I got it cut again to shoulder length after having it grow out for 7 months.
So many more things changed beyond my hair in 2019. I thought I was going to be able to handle those things well, but I was wrong.
First my friend group and the people I talked to changed a lot in 2019. I used to talk to these people and then we changed, and our schedules changed, and I am not that close to them. These people were my support system and I didn’t realize that until after I didn’t spend every day talking to them. I am still friends with some of these people, but life is different now because I don’t spend a lot of time talking to them. They don’t know every single detail in my life like I want them too or that they used to know. Don’t get me wrong, I am SOOOO appreciative of the people in my life now, it’s just different and it’s hard for me to adjust right now. As someone who puts all of her good and close friends on a pedestal, it’s not easy when that pedestal changes and you don’t quite know who to talk too and who to trust. It’s difficult.
Second my passions have changed. While I still want to change the world and make this huge impact on it, it’s not easy to have something that you planned out change. I love the thought of being a teacher, but this summer had some hard days. I don’t know if I can handle consistent hard days for more than 8 weeks and that’s what being a teacher is about. Also, I’ve found this love and passion for writing. It’s something that I can spend my days doing and just use my entire day writing away in my room. I have so many thoughts and interests that it’s easy for me to write. I am into a couple of other things too, so exploring these options is nerve wracking. When classes got hard and times got challenging, I would use my passion for being a teacher to carry me through those hard times. Now that this passion might be changing, it’s difficult to see that light at the end of the tunnel.
Third, my family moved from my hometown into a different spot. This isn’t easy because going home doesn’t feel like home anymore. It feels like I am going on vacation and I don’t like it. It’s not where I grew up and I miss home a lot. I don’t feel that I have a real home anymore and while at college that used to be my friends, it’s not anymore because my friends have changed. I love where my family is at now, but it’s not easy not feeling like I have a home.
Fourth, I live in a different spot on campus and I am living with people that weren’t in my life until either 2019 or 2018. My roommates are the greatest people ever, but it’s new and new things scare me. Also, I am off campus for the first time so my lifestyle on campus is changing. That is huge and I am trying to grasp what it is like being off campus and it’s not an easy adjustment. I love living off campus, but it’s change and it’s hard for me to not be in the routine I was in last year.
This and a lot of other things are changing, but these are the four main ones because these were the main ones.
All of these things add up and weight heavy on my heart. I don’t know what the future has in store for me and it’s hard to embrace that. These things are all big things and going through one of these changes can be challenging for someone, going through all of them is a lot.
I thought I was happy, but I noticed myself having a lot of hard days all of the time. I’ve realized that I’ve lost myself and that I am struggling to answer questions about me that I would typically know. Me not knowing who I am on top of going through all of this change scares me and makes me miserable. I didn’t know how miserable I truly was until I was in my house alone eating a cheesecake that my friend had made me and all I wanted to do was cry. This was my epiphany. Cheesecake is my favorite thing in the world and always turns my day around. When it wasn’t, I knew I needed to get some professional help.
Yup, cheesecake inspired me to get help.
The next morning, I woke up at 6:45 am, showered, and got my butt to the Student Counseling Center for a walk-in appointment at 8 am. I went in for a diagnostic session and they told me that my problems were solvable and that I can get help for free at the counseling center. This made me feel really good, and as I was expressing everything that I went through the therapist told me that I was going through a hard time and validated my feelings. This felt good, so now I am getting help through the school. It was a great decision and I am proud of myself for going through with it.
The reason why I am sharing this journey is because I know I am not alone. I know there is a stigma surrounding mental health, when it seems to be something that a lot of people are struggling with. I want to remove that stigma and I want to promote that it is okay to not be okay. If you ever need a friend you can message me and I will be there and listen forever.
This is just the start to my journey of becoming healthier mentally. I am going to get help through my school’s counseling center, and I will be updating you guys along the way.
That’s it for today’s post. I will see you guys next week! As always if you want to see what I am up to on a more frequent-ish basis, be sure to follow @dayswithdebois on Instagram. Until next week, stay thriving. Bye everyone!
PS: Shoutout to the friend who made me the cheesecake! It was the best Cheesecake ever.